Have You Been out Christmas Shopping Lately?

Christmas Shopping Madness!

Christmas shopping                ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????                batman-robin-24223694

 Have you been out Christmas shopping yet?  Holy Christmas rage Batman!!!

Last Friday was the annual “Save 20% Night” at the Avalon Mall or ”Midnight Madness” as it is affectionately known.  It’s the St. John’s version of “Black Friday” where the fervor of the Christmas shopping rush is stoked by the ingestion of large doses of turkey, compliments of the US Thanksgiving   The week leading up to the event, all you hear on the radio are advertisements for gigantic blowout specials, Bogo deals, and free gift with purchase offers at participating stores.  The kids are whipped into a frenzy with promises of a talking Christmas tree, dancing reindeer*, visits with Santa and a special appearance by Captain America!  It is an event not to be missed!

At quitting time, people in offices all over town are lined up like marathon runners, sneakers on, water bottles in hand, credit cards at the ready,  waiting for the clock to strike five.  All routes leading into the Shopping District resemble Nascar tracks, as rabid drivers jostle for position, trying to gain entrance to the Mall parking lot, horns blaring and rude hand gestures abounding.  Once you finally make it onto the parking lot, the next half hour is spent “hovering”, waiting for a parking spot to open up.  It is a generally accepted rule of courtesy that if one is parked with their indicator flashing when a shopper returns to their car to vacate their parking spot, the waiting driver gets to take it.  However, there is the occasional arrogant asshole who will pull  in ahead of the waiting driver and claim the spot.  This leads to tempers flaring, curses being shouted and threats of nasty retaliation being made.  Some people, of course, will inevitably step outside the bounds of authority and park their cars in no parking zones and places where one would never even think to put a car.

Once you finally gain access to the five hundred thousand square feet of shopping mania, the fun really begins.  The mall is decked out in the season’s finest trimmings.  The ‘muzak’ is blaring and a stroller queue of overtired, overstimulated tots are kicking up didoes in the center court, bawling their eyes out as their mothers plant them on Santa’s lap for pictures.  Terrifying! You finally make it down to the electronics store only to find out the fifty inch smart TVs they were selling for three hundred bucks sold out an hour after opening this morning.  You almost buy the seventy inch with the 3D images of shark week playing, until you realize that you’d have to sell your car, all of your clothes, and possibly your firstborn  to be able to afford it. Your head gets muddled and you try and remember who’s on your Christmas list and who you’ve got left to buy something for, but everything is so distracting, and isn’t that little dress perfect for the company Christmas party!  An hour later, you’ve burned through all your cash and half the remaining credit limit on your cards.  Only five more gifts to buy!  At this point your feet are aching, your head is pounding and you’re dry as the Sahara desert and the line up at Tim Hortons is still a mile long.   Suddenly someone yells, “There’s a fresh delivery of Disney “ Frozen” dolls at Walmart!!” and you plaster yourself against a wall to avoid being stampeded by the hoard of frenzied parents swarming the exit.

Now that you are freshly caffeinated, with a bellyful of Timbits to boot, you get your second wind and attack the rest of the stores with a vengeance.  Jostling bags, boxes, and rolls of Christmas wrap, you squeeze through the Mall exit door at 11:45 pm, your feet ready to fall off, and you realize that you’re parked over in the west parking lot, which means a half hour long hike around the Mall.

And that, my friends, is only the start of the Christmas Madness.  I swear to God, this year I will be ordering my Christmas groceries at the mom and pop store that delivers, and the cookies and Christmas cake will likely be purchased at a bakery.  To hell with Christmas traditions, next year I’m going on a cruise!




*Dancing Reindeer, I kid you not!






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